School Vision.

Today I was reading the Joint Admission Exercise form that my younger brother had brought back after his O Level results. I was highly amused by my alma mater's vision written on the Joint Admission Exercise form:

- Enhance and educate for the spiritual and moral dimensions of life
I remembered those moral education classes, where we copied homework.

- Nurture independent, collaborative and innovative learners
Independent? Definitely! Depended on ourselves to understand coursework, as we skipped too much lectures.

Collaborative? Of course...we had a collaborative tutorial copying network.

Innovative? Had a friend who skipped classes and never handed in homework, but yet won the geography prize. Teachers had nothing good to say about him..and so...they said they he had a rather interesting way of approaching lessons...

- Strengthen social responsibility

Every Friday after school, different classes has a roster to clean up the school surroudings. It was a disguise to save on cleaning costs. Having said that, we deserved it ... as most of the students there graffitied using liquid paper on the lecture tables out of boredom. Amongst the most prominent:

1. "Top 10 Girls" on the lecture table

2. In response, a "Top 10 Guys" on the lecture table

3. Sketch of the principal in a bikini

4. Being a mission school, vandalised in the toilet:
"God do not exist - Axxx".
A few spaces down was another response:
"Axxx will not exist long either - God"

5. And my personal fav, which I am proud to have graffitied:
"Please do not vandalise".

- Pursue character building in all its forms
All those torturous weekly Monday morning boring assembly one hour lectures delivered by an old fashioned fat nun definitely builds patience and character.

- Build a strong community for all
Hmmm .... we had a strong community all right. We had different communities:

1. Community of canoeist hunks with huge biceps with equally huge ego
2. Community of geeks that meets every Friday to play Magic:the Gathering card game
3. Community of cool dudes of which I was not a part of =)
4. Community of dudes that skip classes of which I was the president.
And the list goes on...

Blogging Addict.

I think I am getting addicted to the voyeuristic and exhibitionistic world of blogging. Reading into other blogger's life, not unlike The Truman Show. Penning down thoughts for the world to see. Reading on links and articles provided by bloggers such as Cowboy Caleb and Mr.Brown.

Speaking of which, Mr. Cowboy has a rather interesting link to a sex blog summary site. Great. Now I have more stuff to corrupt my already dirty little mind.

Let's talk about boobs.

Today I was at Singapore Dance Masters Competition 2005 watching the ballroom dance competition, and I came across a stall called The Boobshop. Yes, you heard that right. The Boobshop.

Boobshop

Bustaids sold by Boobshop

Apparently, this stall sells strapless bras that will enhance a girls assets. From a cup size B to a cup size C. Ah, today I learned something new.

I am still amused as to why a girl would want to enhance their boobs. Aspire to be the Twin Peaks of Himalayas, when they are only Mount Faber. Don't they know, anything more than a handful is a waste. And we Asian guys do not have that big hands either.

And that got me to wondering, how did the cup size rating came about, and here is my conclusion for the cup size sizing:

A is for Airport;
B means Barely There;
C stands for Can Do;
D is Damn good;
E is just Enormous;
F is really Fake.

Comments, anyone?

Corporate Buzzwords

A colleague sent me an e-mail about the latest buzzwords to include in our daily corporate vocabulary. Now I know that I do a lot of percussive maintenance. Heh.

-----Excerpt------

Latest buzzwords to add to your corporate vocabulary.

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over every thing and then leaves.

Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is aserious CLM.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Rules of Engagement: Hokkien Profanities.

Whilst smoking sheesha along Arab Street, a friend was explaining to me the silent grammatical rules of hokkien swearing:

1. Offensive swearing uses the feminine swear words. For example, if you are pissed at someone, you would probably say (or swear): " Nah Beh".

2. Defensive swearing uses the masculine swear words. For example, if someone stares at you, and you start to feel uncomfortable, you would probably say: " Kua simi lan chiao!".

Scenario:
In a car accident, a typical clash of profanities would be as thus:

Ah Beng (offensive): Kan Ni Na Bu Chao Chee Bye! Why you bang my car for? You blind is it? Cannot see my car in front of you?

Ah Seng (defensive): Lan Chiao! Your car just cut in front of me like that, how to brake?!

Ah Beng (still offensive): You bloody Chee Bye! You better compensate me!

Ah Seng (still defensive): Lum Pah! Compensate you when it is your fault? Lan Tui!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Appendix:

Definition of Hokkien swear words (from The Coxford Dictionary, talkingcock.com)

CHEE BYE
(chee bai)
One of the rudest terms in Singlish. Essentially, "vagina", though not confined to clinical gynecological circumstances. The English equivalent would be "cunt".

KAN NI NA BU/ KAN NI NA BU CHAO CHEE BYE
The rudest phrase of all. Use only if you wish to be beaten up or want other people to think you were raised in a longkang. Literally: "Fuck your mother/Fuck your mother's smelly cunt."

LAN CHEOW
A Hokkien term meaning "penis". Often used in a similar fashion to "like real".Recruit: "Eh, Sergeant, sign my Off Pass leh.." Sergeant: "Lan Cheow! Knock it down twenty!"

LAN TUI
(lahn tooi)
Hokkien phrase literally meaning "penis split". The Hokkien version of "Up yours!" or "Nuts to you!"."You want me to type 100 copies by today? Lan tui, unnerstand!"

LUM PAH
Hokkien for "testicles".

NA BEH/NA BU/NI NA BEH/ NI NA BU
Various contractions of "Ka Ni Na Bu Chao Chee Bye".

Sheesha, CF inspired poetry

She sat cross legged,
Under the starry night,
Tasting fruit flavoured smoke,
An expression of delight.

I know CF is pretty, attractive, talented and has many admirers, but to inspire such a verse to an UNPOETIC person like me? Over sheesha and ramli burger at the Railway station? She must be a really special girl.....

Some relationships are never meant to be forgotten.

Promise

You promised the sky
Why should I believe you
You said I could fly
But nothing seems true

Hope is gone
Trust is lost
Faith has died
You win, I lose

It seems like a game
I thought I knew the rules
Things started to change
Was it I, or was it you

Hope is gone
Trust is lost
Faith has died
You win, I lose

Nothing ever means the way it seems to be
Nothing ever works out the way it should be
No one ever raised me up, threw me down
The way you did, Did to me

Hope is gone
Trust is lost
Faith has died
You win, I lose

--Excerpt from instantoats.blogspot.com--

Reading this poem reminded me of my past relationship with her. How could I not forget...she taught me how to love unconditionally. A simple girl, with a heart of gold. I am very sorry for the pain that I have caused you.

In 2 days time, it will be your birthday. I hope you will enjoy the dance number that I had choreographed for you, and like the simple gift that I had prepared.

Happy Birthday.

Reigniting my alcoholic tendencies again....

On Friday, met up with the usual gang after a family dinner. Had wanted to salsa initially, but the thought of seeing KFC and friends in action with the girls they picked up last week (their most successful attempt so far, or should I say only successful attempt?) was too much of a tempation. Not after hearing KFC's adventures in the HDB lift.

So there I was, at Mdm Wong's ... slightly tipsy after consuming 6 full glasses of wine at the family dinner, 3 mugs of beer at Soundbar, before heading off to meet KFC. Within a space of 2 years, since I last stepped in, it has morphed to an Ah Beng hangout. Urgh. Well, only redeeming factor is that they do not play techno and trance.

Of course, I got introduced to the group of gals. And I was pleasantly surprised:

1. They speak Engrriiiiish! Not the cheena kind of English, but proper English. Based on previous reports, I expected otherwise. Now I know that Ah lians could pronounce properly.

2. A few of them are professionals. Now I know smart Lians do exist.

3. They may not exactly be good looking, but at least they are not fugly, or fucking butt ugly. Now I know my friends were not exactly drunk when they made their move. Heh.

There was this particular girl that made quite an impression.

Txxx: Hi, my name is Txxx.
Me: I'm Axxxxx.
Txxxx: Are you catholic?
Me: (WTF....asking me this in a middle of a club??) Er...I'm a half fucked catholic. Have not attended mass for a few months already.

At which point, she proceeded to 'nag' at me to attend church..and grabbed me in a friendly way and telling me to be a good catholic. So here I am, half drunk, in a Beng environment, being grabbed by a Lian, told to be a good catholic. Not that I really mind being grabbed, but reminded to be a good catholic???????!!!!!!! ARGHHH... being the sarcastic me...wanted to tell her that that the gospel for those few months of absence is legs, and I wouldn't mind spreading the gospel there. Which of course, I did not. Despite everything about myself, I do have a reputation to maintain. *grin*. And hence the blog to bitch here to let off steam.

Anyway, I was not really interested in mixing with those group of girls (blame it on the age, having done that so long ago. And no, I am NOT gay), and ended chatting and drinking with Mr. Soccer pundit. Over a bottle of remy martin, mixed with coke. Which was quite a bad mistake, cause it made me puke. And I realised that over the past year and a half staying off alcohol, my alcohol tolerance level has dropped. By a lot. Which is good. I could only get half pissed after sharing a bottle of Chivas with my ex-drinking-buddy who got married and is now living in Canada.

I guess from now on, drinking would be lighter on my pockets.

To sum the night up it was fun; I got to see the guys and girls in action. Though the prey was actually the predator, luring guys to chat them up, and buy them drinks. The guys get a feel here and there, and the girls gets a free ride home in exchange.

It was like watching National Geographic, only better as you are closer to the action.

Heh. And I love watching National Geographic.

Half Empty Office

You know that there are far too many managers and directors when a company holds a one day management retreat/meeting, and half the office is empty. And here I am, in a half empty office. Or some would say half full office.

And it feels like the Friday just after Chinese New Year, so main activity for the day is to surf the net. And blog. Here's something I found on the web. *chuckle*. Now I know what I wanna do...I wanna take an MBA and be an idealist; not so much a practical engineer.

A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and fell asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend. " Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars." The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"The MBA ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears tobe approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Current MSN Nick: Salary is like a period; it comes once a month, lasts 5-7 days, and if it doesn't, you are in big trouble.

Stag Nite.

Mr Soccer Pundit called, asking me out to go for a Stag night with one of his friends. At Boat Quay, where alcohol are cheap (ok, relatively cheaper than else where), and waitresses, friendly. Now, being a self professed alcoholic, I would normally jump at any excuse to drink.

But..... because of my late nights the past few days, I had to decline. Too tired. And of course, such cruel pranks should only be played on good friends. Only a good friend could remind you that such nights ( by holding the Stag night), where you can drink heavily, chat up girls, have fun, will be forbidden once you get married. That going out with beer buddies now would require visa approval from da missus, or da immigration officer. Or that you now have an islandwide curfew, only that you report back to ur wife instead. And only a good friend could play the occasional trick on you when ur dead drunk.

Had a friend in England who was about to get married, and as usual a Stag Night was organised for him, in a hotel room. A stripper was hired, plus beer, beer, beer and more beer were purchased. The poor sod drank himself silly, happy that he had friends to celebrate his marriage. Before long, he was knocked out cold by all those alcohol. Not one to let an opportunity slip by, we decided to strip him, and paid the stripper to sleep beside him. No, not to hump him, but to just sleep beside him and convince him that he slept with her. The groom to be, being a Christian, was guilty stricken for the next two days, convinced that he had performed a great sin, before I finally told him about the prank.

We're evil, yes, but not that evil. Heh.

I'm an IT whore.....

Many people have asked what I do for a living, to which I replied, " I am an IT whore". The term Systems Engineer, is just a fancy title to what I do. Of cuz, it's always interesting to see their reactions, until I explain to them why I consider myself an IT whore:

1. I provide my IT Professional Services to my company's end client, and try to satisfy their IT needs that their own inhouse staff could not handle. And get screwed by their shitty IT systems/staff if I could not perform.
2. Based on my performance, they would either engage my Service or look for another IT whore.
3. I have an hourly rate, or if they like, they could always engage my service for a day. In which case, I come cheaper.
4. Out of this rate (ard the region of $120-$200. Ok, I am a high class IT whore) , I would only get paid 10-15% and my company, da pimp, takes the rest.

Which is why I am an IT whore.

My dream job? A Business Strategy Consultant. The term consult is a combination of two words: con and insult. Therefore, a consultant is someone who cons and insult.

As a consultant, I will get paid to:

1) Go into the client's company, and insult them direct in their face. "This business process is no good...blah blah, you have the wrong strategy.....blah blah". The beauty in this situation: you get paid to insult them, and they will listen to you.

2) After the insult, I can then con them of their money, by recommending solutions to them,
and charge them just for recommending solution.

The beauty of it? The bigger the con and bullshit, the bigger the money. And I am GOOD at bull shitting. Just need to work on the con part.

Celebrating Chinese New Year with the same Old Rituals.

As per our yearly habits.... we got up early to fry the 'nian gou' for breakfast ...rushed to get ready to visit our relatives. And as per my younger brother's annual Chinese New Year habits...he decided to wear a brand new pair of torn and tattered jeans topped up a worn out white shirt to visit. Coupled with two diamond ear studs, a diamond nose stud and blonde hair, which of course, created a big din with mum. ( I mean, who wants to have a son that looks like a poor out-of-job lesbian beng?)

Mum: Please go and wear something more decent and appropriate for Chinese New Year.
Bro: Why? This is looks decent. This is designer jeans bought from Topman. I got it at half price for $50.
Mum: This is disgraceful. You like you are so poor that you do not have money to buy new clothes. If you don't change and take out that nose stud of yours, don't go visiting with me.
Bro: (raising his voice) Fine.

He tried taking out the diamond nose stud ....and whined out in pain. Geez. I didn't know he's so wimpy, with his tough exterior beng looks. And in total defiance, he changed his torn and tattered jeans to a crumpled looking bermudas and wore slippers. Which of course, infuriated my mum further. It must be karma. Mum must have been a really bad ass criminal in her previous life to deserve this. What a cock up new year to begin with.

To cut the story short, he ended up visiting relatives (he needed the ang pows) which invited a lot of comments about his attire. Which made him unhappy. And in a fit of anger and stubbornness (he kept his cool externally) he decided to leave halfway and visit his other friends. Sighs. It would be interesting though, to see what he will come up with next. Last year he wore an almost all black outfit to visit our traditional relatives.

On a lighter note, I had a small gathering of friends over at my place for takeaway pizza, drinks and a gambling session. Poker,blackjack and soccer betting. Mr. Tripleperiod introduced me to the wonderful and covert world of soccer betting. And all his theories about soccer betting.

Gambling with a business IT consultant, an ex-auditor/entreprenuer, and finance analyst, and a civil engineer cum soccer pundit has it's quirks.

Me: We don't have enough coins to go round.
IT consultant: That's easy. Just use chips.
Me: I don't have gambling chips either.
IT consultant: That's easy. Just take some paper and cut it up, put some value to it, and use it as chips. (Now I know why he's a business IT consultant. They just give simple practical solutions that clients cannot even fathom)

Naturally, the auditor would be in charge of the exchange of money to chips. And the soccer pundit, true to his nature, gambled 5 times the amount compared to others, while simulatenously keeping watch on the live soccer bets on the internet. And calculating how much he could afford to gamble based on his winnings/losings on soccer. My friends never cease to amaze me.

A mangy drunken dog and a glutton me.

After queing for 45 mins on the Singapore checkpoint to get to JB, the boozing started at 430 pm when we reached our grandmother's place. Nothing has changed much.

Out of boredom...I fed the mangy little white dog at grandma's house some beer and wine...after which he staggered round the garden looking for more...before..sleeping soundly in a corner.

Alcohol induced sleep

His efforts to sleep, however was futile as Angela (my little cousin) was busy playing with fireworks, which frightened the poor dog. I don't know which is worse, feeling sleepy from alcohol and being deprived of sleep, or being scared stiff.

Reunion dinner was a quiet affair of 7 delicious bowls charcoal boiled pig's stomach soup, pig's trotter with vinegar, 'lo hei', stewed pork knuckles, fried calamari and veggies. As usual, I stuffed myself silly with my aunt's pig stomach soup. *BURP!* There were other dishes as well...which I can't be bothered to remember ...feeling drowsy from the alcohol that I just had.

Oh, and by the way, today I found out how I was related to some uncles and cousins that I meet once a year. They came later in the night...all the way from Singapore and KL. They were my grandaunt's sons, daughters and grandaunts =). Now to remember the face of that pretty grown up 18-year-old cousin of mine =). It would be terribly embarassing 'chee honging' a girl only to find out that she's somehow related. Especially while doing it in a drunken stupor.

That's it for now..until I figure out how to add photos to this blog.
Happy Cock Chinese New Year!

Poison of the night: 1 bottle of african wine, 1bottle of chilean wine, 1 bottle of french wine and 4 cans of carlsberg beer

Boring New Year's Eve....

I was surfing around and read Tripleperiod's blog. Interestingly, just realised that we had almost the same first blogging post title. Heh. Guess have been chilling out with him too much, that we even start to write alike. Like girls having synchronised PMS once they start spending way too much time together.

It's New Year's Eve... and I am bored... stuck at home waiting to go to JB for reunion dinner. The same usual affair... with a lil' bit of wine drinking session later on (honestly..it's little...it's only 4 bottles...*grin*) , so I guess to all those friends who are reading this blog (none, which I presume) ,wishing you guys a Happy Chinese New Year...before I get too drunk to SMS later on.

Breaking the Virginal Blog Post

Still trying to figure the controls and html scripts. After reading several blogs (most notably www.mrbrown.com and XiaXue) , I thought it was kinda fun to start posting comments, thoughts and the occasional rumours/bitching online. Heh. Not to mention the occasional reminders to myself of all daily tasks/meetings/appointments/technical readings that I need to survive in the IT industry. Speaking of which, a friend of mine has a rather interesting way of using blogs ( michaelszie.blogspot.com). No first prizes on guessing which industry he is in.

First reminder to myself: Check out article no. 319681 on Exchange 2003 OWA-Activ Synchronisation.